BUILD YOUR CIRCLE

In my last post, I talked about being stuck in between being early or being late. This blogpost is related to it. 

Recall how I talked about how people seem to believe that they know the best timing for your life?

Another issue I've always had to deal with is the 'build your circle' or 'build your network' narrative. I don't know how to make friends and I suck at keeping them. Friendship is one thing that I don't know how to go about. To be honest, I put a lot of effort in friendships and if it stops working at any point, it will hurt me because the fact that everybody leave always make me scared of making and or keeping friends. So whenever I hear the build your circle mantra, I really don't know if they mean that I should get people in my life who will just be there because of what I am, what I want to become, what I do for them or people that will be in with me in my corner forever. For the record, forever is a word that shouldn't even exist because nothing last forever.

For instance, these past few months have made me feel like I am a terrible person. This is because I feel like I suck at being a good friend or being a partner. Friendship for me is like a full time job and these past few months gave me glimpses of how terrible I think I might be at this job.

Lately, a good number of people have incessantly told me 'you abandoned me', 'you are no longer the lady I knew', 'you have changed', 'you are suddenly cold' and so on. The truth is that I currently feel detached from everyone and the world because I need a break. Honestly, it feels like I've been carrying a lot of burden and I put others before myself. 

At this point, I'm just trying to put myself first. Even though I'm trying so hard, I'm somewhat clueless on how to put myself first because my effort is obviously not obvious.

I know that I have great people in my life, I am grateful for them but whenever the thoughts of not being with these people forever pops up, I get scared and keep to myself. I am stuck in this dilemma of not really knowing how to keep a circle and coming out of my shell. 

So to everyone that thinks I'm getting weird please forgive me for being scared. I just want you to know that I love you, I truly care and I am grateful for the gift of you in my life.

If you are stuck like me in finding a circle, then let's build one. I love you and will always love you.

Light!