HYPERINDEPENDENCE

​Hey, I don’t know how to apologize but all I can say is I suck at handling this phase of my life. It’s been a while, a very long while. I've been in and out of my shell a couple of times. I think I'm relapsing, but yeah I am fine or I will be, maybe. For today, I am about to break a table a good number of us are sitting perfectly on, and that table is the table of hyperindependence. I know I have partners in crime too, so yeah, I'm breaking our table today. Lol.

I am a hyperindependent human, and I am beginning to realize how bad this is getting. The crazy part of this is that being hyperindependent wasn't a reality I built for myself. It is a lifestyle that crept up on me. This is mostly because I grew up understanding the need to be responsive and responsible to and for people. I have warmed up to the idea of being there for others, and now, it has become very difficult for me to seek help or accept it when it is rendered. Some will say it is a narcissistic approach to being independent, but I could very well argue that it is my reaction to the chaotic world, one that has led me on the path to go hard on trusting people. I am writing about it because I don't know how to help myself out of it. Maybe this is who I am meant to be.

I try as much as I can to avoid the toxic phrase “independent woman” as many in my gender would scream because I believe there is nothing independent in you trying hard to be a responsible and hardworking adult. At the same time, seeking help is something I don’t know how to do. Most of the time, I try to avoid situations that will put me in need. To be honest, I know I should sometimes take a rest and lean on people. I know I should learn to ask for help when I am in tight situations, but I don’t like being vulnerable. Sucks right? I know! 

Knowing that I need help but being scared to ask for it is something some people can relate to. Perhaps, it is not fear, maybe it's the anxiety associated with being turned down. Let's not mention how receiving help from certain people can put you in an odd position to be leveraged, exploited, or gaslit. I know some people would genuinely help, but seeing a many people trying to create a balance between what they offer you and what you will offer in return just makes it a grey area for me. Even now, I don't think I dare to ask certain people for help. People build networks and nurture them for expansion, that's not the case for me. The fear of vulnerability constantly makes me trim my circle. I sense the only thing that would heal this principle of mine is a compelling random act of kindness by a stranger. I know it is crazy and hard to come by, but it's just the truth. My truth.

Finally, to everyone like me, trust me I know how you feel and I hope the weight of the world won’t get too heavy. I love you and I am here always rooting for you. I know you think I have an advice for you and me, but then, it is the other way round. I need your advice because this is one problem I don't know how to deal with. Should I keep on being hyperindependent or I allow someone be there for me? Kindly let me know your thoughts and advices in the comment section.

I love you, I really do.

❤️ and 💡